it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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