I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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