I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
