I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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