Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
