trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
