Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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