He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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