So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
