There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
