you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
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