I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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