have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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