overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
