the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
