i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
