Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
