you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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