Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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