Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
