3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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