winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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