so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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