Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Randomize
