i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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