There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
