my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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