It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
