CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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