So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
