Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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