Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
