This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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