im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
