You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
