I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
