By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
