I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
