how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
