So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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