we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
