i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
