I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
