I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
