Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
