Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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