i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
