i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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