I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
