it was like eating out sand paper
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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