did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
barbara walters just said penis...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
