i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
